So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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