I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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