you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
