Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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