I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
