I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
