yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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