my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I am naked and annoyed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
