guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
