i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
