woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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