I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize