Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
