my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
