So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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