so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
