and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
