I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
