Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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