I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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