...so i touched it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
