Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
