Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
