I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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