I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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