Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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