hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
