bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
COCAINE IS GR8
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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