so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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