3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
