I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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