Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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