i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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