Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize