My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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