Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
