Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
