party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
