What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
