I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
