i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Every concussion has its silver lining
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
