He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
