i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
