Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
