i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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