the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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