Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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