I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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