New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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