Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
