Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
