is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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