Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
