Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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