So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
