When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
