How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
