My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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