So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I can't turn off my feet"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
