you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
