she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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