I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
